Saturday night, and another truly boring evening at home. Ok, I wasn't bored, but I sure looked boring: sitting at my computer, the Oregon Ducks game over my shoulder, working on websites and generally being alone and not the least bit exciting. This is how my life goes; it's my normal state of affairs most evenings. I'm cool with it. Now and then, however, something happens to stir it up a bit.

I got an email from Cindy Bredy. Cindy is one of my old high school era friends from back in Billings. She went to West and I went to Senior; we knew each other through church, the youth group and choir. We were friends but not that close; in a big group you don't get close to everyone. But it turns out she's been living in Seattle for the past 20 years, which would include, of course, 1995, when I lived there for most of the year. If I had the web presence that I now have, we might have gotten together then. But thanks to Google and all the different things I do online, I have now popped up on her radar.

I have finally caught up with Season 6 of "Gilmore girls" (thank you, bittorrent), and if I could ask Amy Sheridan-Palladino one question, it would be: What the fuck is wrong with you?

A theme of the show from the beginning, the predominant theme after the mother-daughter relationship, is that Lorelai must suffer. On the one hand, she has her daughter, her friends, her home, the inn; but the relationship she has looked for since leaving Christopher to raise Rory on her own — that is forever denied her. She meets Max, almost falls in love, doesn't. She meets pretty Alex, but that's never going to happen. Christopher finally becomes enough of a grown-up to marry, but he's taken away from her. And then finally, the love of her life — Luke — declares himself and they become the couple everyone around them knew they would always be.

Only they aren't. Luke finds reasons to avoid a final commitment; his love for Lorelai is not enough to overcome his fear, or his selfishness, or his stupidity, or whatever it is that makes him invent reasons to keep her away. And Lorelai can never find the right words at the right time; someone else always has that last work. She's forever crushed into some corner, unable to escape until just a bit too late. Finally, as Season 6, she makes what may be a fatal mistake, and we're supposed to believe that Amy cares about Lorelai?

Billy Preston died Tuesday.  He had been ill for a long time, renal problems due to drug use.  What a tragedy; he was a brilliant musician.  There are lots of terrific pop and rock star who make enjoyable music; Billy was one of the few who had more than that.  An energy of his own that makes a song like "Nothing from nothing" a part of my musicial memories.  He had beautiful skills, and I'm sorry I never got to see him live.

The and what he meant to rock history.

"Do you want to hear my theory?"
"Of course."
"You and I have a special talent, and I saw it immediately."
"Tell me."
"We're the substitute people."
"Substitute people?"
"I've been a substitute person my whole life. I'm not an Ellen; I never wanted to be an Ellen. And I'm not a Cindy either, although Chucks loves me."
"I'm sure they do."
"I like being alone too much. I mean, I'm with a guy who's married to his academic career; I rarely see him. And I'm the substitute person there. I like it that way. It's a lot less pressure."

I don't know when Cameron Crowe came up with this dialog, between Claire (it's her theory) and Drew, but for me, I became The Substitute Boy in 1996. Or, rather, that's when I realized my status and nature as The Substitute Boy. I have always been one of Claire's substitute people; I've been substituting my entire life. (And there's the flip side of her theory, the part not explicated in Crowe's dialog: Substitute People not only sub for others, they substitute into their life false things, things and people and circumstances that are not real. They substitute bad stuff for their own lives.)

Some movies are a lot tougher to watch than others.  "Bridget Jones 2" was tough to watch because it was so bad; I gave up after ten minutes.  I could tell it was not going to be worth sitting through.  I loved the first movie, and I really enjoyed listening to the novel (book on cd, very well done version).  And I love love love Renee Zellweger, but BJ2 was just too much.  So was "Affliction," although for different reasons.  Just too painful, and I couldn't bring myself to do it.

"The Squid and the Whale" was brutal.  I almost gave up, and I did fast forward through a few scenes.  I cannot watch humiliation, especially teenage boys (I cannot watch many sitcoms because they rely so heavily on humiliation "humor").  A boy dealing with divorce and trying to figure out what it means to have a girlfriend is hard enough; as soon as he tried to pass off the Pink Floyd song as his own, I was cringing, waiting for him to be shattered by the revealing of this lie.  I kept waiting for terrible things to happen to Walt, and I had to force myself to keep watching ("it's a good movie," I said, "it's worth watching.  it's got Jeff Daniels and Laura Linney.  don't give up.")

i am perplexed at how i'm feeling right now. i'm at a loss to understand, unless i'm forced to accept something i seem determined never to accept.

i have spent most of my life alone. this includes a good chunk of my childhood, from the age of ten or so. i have not had many close friends, i had a wife who didn't really want me in her life, and i have had a couple of other serious relationships, but never the right person or the right time. so for one reason and another, i have been alone and lonely, i have hated being alone, and i have only wanted it to end. i have spent most of my life waiting for that special woman who would make sure i was never alone again.

and i'm still alone, but it's no longer important. if i met that special woman tomorrow, that would be wonderful, of course. but if i don't meet her, if i remain as i am right now, that's ok. for now, and for some time to come. i don't need that right now. i've tried to shape my life so that i'm not desperate in that way, and it's finally happened, and it's so strange. especially given how i am feeling right now.

i really do want to grow up. i mean, i'm 49, i'll be 50 this october, growing up seems like something i ought to be getting around to. and i've already done so many of the things associated with growing up. i finished high school, spent four years in the air force, lived in england, went to college (4 times, 3 schools, 1 degree), had kids, got married, got divorced, had a job or twenty, voted, did legal stuff, saw Fernando pitch, and said goodbye to my mom last July. that's a lot of stuff, and not even the half of it. i've been alive, i've filled space and taken time and been around, so, hell, why not. grow up.

the only trouble is, i have no idea what that means. i know that i've done all the responsible adult stuff, and i've even done much of it responsibly, but that's not growing up. it's doing responsible adult stuff, and you can go through the motions with most of it (just ask the president). i stop and let myself feel who i am, and the last thing i feel is grown up. i tell myself "you are 49, you are turning 50 soon" and it makes no sense. i cannot see how that is true. yes, i was born in 1956 and this year is 2006 and i can do the goddamn math. i lived all these years, and i did all that stuff, and i feel like it must surely be my 16th birthday soon. perhaps 17th. that's how grown-up i feel.

i cannot read Gilmore Girls websites because I am still only through episode 16 of Season 3. i already have bumped into spoiler information, one in particular (about Yale) that really pisses me off. i'm trying very hard to avoid such tragedies in the future. so i don't know what people talk about regarding the show, if i'm alone in hating Jess, or what people thinks motivates the writers. and it's the latter that interests me. i have no desire to discuss the show as soap opera (gosh, will Rory and Jess have sex?), but i do want to talk about GG as story.

this is how far i am with the story: Rory has just been accepted by Harvard (and Yale and a few others); Lorelai is dating Alex (which meant that both my sons were now a nominal part of the show) but has kissed Max in the cloak room; Luke is dating but still wild for Lorelai; Sookie and Jackson are pregnant; and Paris has had her nationally televised meltdown. Season 3 is coming to a climax (leading to a trip to Europe, i'm assuming). in watching the show to this point, i have developed my own idea about the primary force shaping Lorelai's actions and thoughts. i doubt my idea matches that of many other fans, but until i catch up with the show, i'll not be able to find out.

I'm not talking about anything important, anything that really matters in the world. Although a world without fun is, well, it's just a job. A job without natural lights, a chair that kills your ass and back, cube mates who emit funny aromas, a boss who leaves you twitching like an epileptic rabbit by Friday afternoon, and pays you just enough to fall behind on your phone bill each month. So, yes, this is not as important as a cure to cancer, but it's something I like a lot.

Kissables. New mini Hershey kisses coated in candy, a la M&Ms. Only a lot more fun. For one thing, you get just a bit more chocolate with Kissables than you do with M&Ms. "More chocolate" is, by definition, a good thing. (How many hearts leap in joy at the sound of the words "less chocolate"?) Kissables are, of course, nothing more than milk chocolate chips (and here's hoping a semi-sweet version is soon to follow, for those of us who love sweet & dark chocolate). Coating chocolate chips with candy was an idea that, frankly, I'm suprised took Hershey so long to get onto market. Perhaps they spent the past forty sitting around the R&D meeting room wondering how they hell they hadn't invented M&Ms.

ok, it's january 2nd now. the new year is growing old. tick tick tick; before i know it, it will be february and then summer will be ending, i'll turn 50, we'll have an election and christmas and it'll be news year eve and i'll be thinking -- again -- of a year gone, a year to come.

and so it ever was.

there are traditions to a new year, resolutions and football and regrets. i don't do tradition very well; more like a wave hello and then move along. tradition can take care of itself; that's how it got to be this old in the first place. for me the new year is generally an unbroken step out of the old. i did not become a new person at midnight. nothing in my life changed. if my life is to become different, if i'm going to do something that resembles fulfilling a resolution, then i am going to have to do as the same old me. the same old me is going to have to do something new and different to change.

and that's what's on the agenda: the same old me thinking about living my life differently. i'm not inspired or desperate; i'm just tired. the way i'm living my life has worn me out. it's a dreary exhaustion, too, not a wild living and crazy days type of exhaustion. just pathetic. i'm tired of being pathetic. so i'm going to try to be something else. not gonna resolve, no big decision or anything like that. nothing to loom above me like a damoclean sword. just the desire to do things a bit differently.