No one takes notice of June 1st. No one speaks of the day; Andy doubts anyone other than he and Rebecca know why the days matters, and they never speak of it to one another. They have five healthy, happy children, five children to love and raise in the Light of the Lord, five blessings for which to praise the Giver of Light, five perfect and sanctified Vessels of Light. Praise Him. June 1st is a day of the Lord's will, a day of testing, a day to know His will and bow in worship. Just like every other day. Of course, Andy never forgets, and he knows Rebecca never forgets, but in the eyes of the Lord, and in the lives of each other, the day is one of silence about what was lost. Just like every other day.

June 1st begins like every other day; Andy lives June 1st like every other day he's lived since coming to the Light. Nothing distinguishes June 1st from any other day; from the moment he rises at 4 a.m. until he goes to bed at 10 p.m., the day is exactly like every other day. Some years Andy gives thanks for this sameness. When he can lose the meaning of the day in routine and following the Light from moment to moment, he is grateful. Lost in ordinariness, June 1st can become June 2nd very quickly, allowing another year to shield him from memory and pain. But most years, June 1st is fully alive and full of its only possible meaning. In those years, Andy knows how lost he is for he clings to the pain and the short days of memory with no intention of releasing them to the Lord's care. Mine, he says in anguished pain, and the realization that what he has lost is greater than what has been given keeps him as dead each anniversary as he was on that original June 1st, kneeling and asking for a miracle the Giver of Light chose to withhold.

It is only on June 1st that Andy's faith turns to hate. On June 2nd, he repents and spends the next year seeking to grow in the Light so that his faith will not falter the next time. He knows God's love is beyond measure; each night, as he leads his family in worship, he smiles at each of the five children with whom the Lord has blessed him and Rebecca; he radiates the love he feels for them — o Lord! I do love them, each of them, I love them with my whole being! — and the love that is immense and real causes his voice to shake quietly as he speaks to them of God's love for them all.

?¬¢‚Äö√ᬮ?√¨Our Heavenly Father loves us so much,?¬¢‚Äö√ᬮ¬¨√π he tells them, the Gospel story overwhelming every time he hears or speaks it, ?¬¢‚Äö√ᬮ?√¨He let His own Son — His Son! — die a horrible death so that our sins could be forgiven. Can you imagine that? A father letting his child die? I can't imagine making that choice but our Father, our Heavenly Father, the Giver of Light, the Source of all love, did exactly that. He sent his Son, Jesus, to die for our sins. That, my children, is the greatest love there can be: to die for another person.?¬¢‚Äö√ᬮ¬¨√π

The difference being, and he refuses to staunch this thought as he kneels in anguish, angry prayer in the pre-dawn of June 1st, is that God was able to make that choice. My choice was to wait for His decision. I did not give my child; she was taken.

He knows the thought is hateful to God, his entire attitude and lack of remorse a vile attack on the grace he has been shown. Once, a few year's after God in His great mercy slaughtered his child as a sign of His power and judgment, Andy had gone to Brother Ezekial in anguish, to speak to him of the pain and anger he felt when remembering the loss of his first child.

?¬¢‚Äö√ᬮ?√¨Pride, brother, pride,?¬¢‚Äö√ᬮ¬¨√π Brother Ezekial had spoken in his gentle, kind-sounding voice that had once seduced Andy into the Children of Light but now filled him with disgust and loathing — did so every June 1st, and then in the following days reminded Andy of his terrible sinfulness — ?¬¢‚Äö√ᬮ?√¨what you are feeling is the pride of self, not merely doubting the Father's wisdom and love but putting yourself in His place. When you doubt Our Lord's will like this, what you are really doing is telling Him you know better, that your will should take the place of His. Is this what you truly intend, brother??¬¢‚Äö√ᬮ¬¨√π

And of course Andy had answered, ?¢‚Ǩ?ìNo, Brother Ezekial, no, of course not,?¢‚Ǩ¬ù and had devoted himself with all the strength and faith he could muster to the study of repentance and humility. For the next eight months and three weeks, Andy had believed he had truly repented, that he had let go of his anger and pain.