I would not call myself a Buddhist; I don't practice meditation regularly, I don't cultivate the path to end craving. But I do understand that of all the ways I know to cultivate an honest spiritual life, meditation — whether in Zen fashion or the silent waiting of Friends Meeting — is the best "way". The entirety of life, of course, is a spiritual practice, but to overcome what we see as our imperfections — what some see as our humanness, sinfulness and other negatives to be destroyed — we cannot just "live" our way to spiritual health. We need to take time to study, pray, think, meditate. Something, anything.

I'm reading Stephen Batchelor's "Buddhism Without Belief" again, and I finally see the words that explain the concept of "awakening:"

The Buddha awoke from the sleep of existential confusion.

It's that simple. He didn't see the Fullness of All That Is; he didn't connect to the Big Truth. He simple awoke from confusion. His mind was clear; he knew how to live his life. Ok, he was the Buddha and his awakening took him a big jump beyond what most might awake to. His awakening took him past craving, but that was his awakening. My awakening is so much simpler: just to realize it's not about pleasing a god I was told would send me to hell just for being born. My awakening is not about fixing my damaged self-esteem. My awakening is just to get my head clear about how I need to live.

I don't think that's happened yet. I believe I've had glimpses, moments of clarity in my sleep. Or perhaps the fact that I know what my awakening is, or will be, maybe that's proof that I have been awakened. Being awake, perhaps, is not enough; it's only a beginning. When I cultivate the path — a bit more of a project than going "Oh I get it" — and live by the Four Ennobling Truths rather than just note them in a blog, then my awakening will have more of a reality to it. Or maybe I'll just be a bit more awake. Not sure; a lot left to understand about even this initial step. And that might be a clue: I'm still asleep.