When I sit down to write, I face two problems. One problem really, just that it's two-sided. And both sides kick my ass.

On the one hand, I look at my websites and think "No one reads these anyway". Which isn't exactly true, but with readers I can count on a single hand, it's as good as true.

On the other hand, I find myself so often thinking "Whatever I write will be crap". Which also isn't exactly true. I am a good writer, but I write so infrequently, especially and at Tin Cup Chalice, that I have no developed the writing skills I know I possess. So I have some idea, I try to write it out, and golly gee, it comes out crappy.

And of course, anyone with either common sense or writing background (the two, I believe, are mutually exclusive) will see that I am killing myself with excuses. Instead of writing, I make excuses. I know I make excuses; I'm not stupid. But here is the problem I have with excuses.

I have not seen the true nature of excuses. I thought they were me avoiding writing, or giving in to fear, or being overwhelmed by having so much to say or do that I'd do nothing (remember that Far Side cartoon, with the guy in the boat going crazy: fish or cut bait? fish or cut bait?) But that's not what an excuse is; that's just be caving into fear or being overwhelmed.

An excuse is a flag telling me: Here is an opportunity! In the past, when I'd make an excuse, I'd pound on myself for being weak or undisciplined. For not caring enough about the things I said I cared about. That was my self-hating self, who has not left completely, causing mischief. Blinding me to the real nature of the situation, and that is the opportunity I have close at hand. I might say "I am so tired" and that might be true, but it also meant that something inside me needs to say something. If I have nothing to say at that point, nothing to write, then I'm not going to notice being tired. I am just going to go to bed, read and fall asleep. The fact that I notice I am tired tells me there is something I want to do right now, something I can do right now.

And believe me, I am tired. I get up at 5:30, and now, at 10:40 pm, I really need to be in bed. But I've been thinking about this all day, and I've been thinking about how I need to write about this here. But I had a bunch of other work to do first; that was not an excuse, that's just commitments I needed to follow through on. I've known all day that I needed to write this and that it would probably be last thing. Which is fine; I may be tired, but now that I recognize the excuse for what it is, my brain is coming through for me. This isn't brilliant writing, and it may not be the most insightful thought to ever be placed on the web, but it is me not collapsing before the falsity of the excuse. Instead I am discovering that I have more resources at hand than I realized. I had them all along, in fact; tonight, for a change, I let myself see and use them.