yesterday was Alex's 21st birthday; i wrote a piece in BlueOregon about both his birth and my failures as a parent. that got a number of nice replies, which is always gratifying. i just posted a second piece, about my thoughts on what it means that he's in the Guard despite my efforts to live the live of a peacenik.

yesterday was a tough day. i'd not gotten enough sleep the previous two nights, but it was more than that. i felt raw, ready to break down. at one point i told a couple of people at work about him being in the Guard, at basic training, and i spoke of "the possibility", at which point i was ready to sob -- but it was the wrong place; they were the wrong people.

in fact, there is no one here i can turn to at a time like this. i have very few people in my life like that anywhere, and not really anyone who is in regular close contact with my life. that's one of the things i most need to address: my support network. people i can turn to when i need emotional help, when i just need to cry and have someone hold me.

and people i can give that to in return. i need those relationships, especially on days as tough as yesterday. because the possibility is there, though i think it's pretty remote, that Alex could be sent to Iraq. or Afghanistan. or Iran. and if that happens, i will need all the support i can get. it won't happen if i don't make it happen.