Ch 1.2 - September 2, 1973
Debbie came in through the kitchen when she got home, stopped in the living room where her parents were watching tv, said hello, waited. Her dad was asleep in his recliner, Sunday truly his day to rest after working in the diner six days a week. Her mom looked up from her knitting.
"Hello, honey, how was youth group?"
Fellowship, Mom, it's Youth Fellowship. "Pretty good. Pastor Frank had a guest, a visitor from Denver. He was pretty nice." That's nice, dear.
"That's nice, dear."
Life with a mom who didn't believe and didn't really seem to care. Oh well.
"I'm going to bed. I want to read for a while."
"Ok, honey, sleep well."
"Night, Mom. Tell Daddy good-night for me, 'k?"
"Alright dear."
Ch 1.1 - September 2, 1973
Debbie looked at the clock at the far end of of the hall in despair. Two more minutes, she thought, two more minutes and we'd be done. Two more minutes and time to quit, to put away the volleyball equipment and head upstairs and then she wouldn't be where she was heading: to serve. She hated serving, not just the fact that everyone in the room would be looking directly at her, but that her serve would do one of two things, the only two things her serves ever did. Either she would hit a low, almost straight shot directly into the net — probably the lower part of the net and perhaps even under it, something she had done more than a few times — or she would hit a beautiful, high arc that sailed at least ten feet out-of-bounds. Either way, not only would she forfeit serve but she would also hurt her hand and maybe her arm as well.
Prologue
Prologue
June 1980
The pain in his legs is gone. His body is numb, beyond sensation; his mind has followed, for the same reason: too much, too much. On his knees for hours, imploring God for mercy, digging deep into himself for proof of the faith that would save his baby's life, kneeling and praying and begging God to spare his child — O Father, as You spared Abraham's child — knowing God had not spared His own Son, knowing God might take his child as well. His daughter, sweet and beautiful, Rachel Marie, so beautiful and dying from the moment she emerged into the fallen world. Born frail, born so ill and helpless, but not hopeless — Do not lose hope, brother, keep faith in God and He will grant his miraculous mercy — but God appears to have a more difficult test of faith in mind for him.
Melissa, the wife chosen for him by Brother Ezekial, given to him to bear his children and be his partner in the great work of salvation, Melissa sits in the straight-back wooden chair, the baby in a light blanket on her lap. Melissa, weak herself from almost two days of labor, weak from bleeding that still has not stopped, weak from sitting in the chair with her baby in her lap, one hand lifted in supplication and the other resting on her daughter's tiny, fragile chest; lightly on the chest, the breath coming so difficult. Melissa, her face closed and locked: in prayer, in shock, in grief? He can not tell, no longer looks at her. She sits only inches from him, their dying daughter in her lap, asking God for a miracle — he can only believe she was asking God what he had been asking for — their daughter and an abyss of fear and grief between them.
But fear is wrong. Fear speaks only of faithlessness, of human pride, of a lack of trust in God's mercy, God's will. Your Father loves you, brother, and His will for you, for your daughter, is not for us to question but to give worship and thanks. Thanks. For hours, with his knees screaming in pain, his leg muscles cramping, quivering, his back wanting to collapse on the floor (and weep and weep, he refused to acknowledge how much pain he felt in body in mind, simply kneel and pray and believe); for hours, desperate to find the core stone of faith he knew must be there. If he could find that faith, that tiny bit of belief that confirmed all he had been learning the past four years with the Family, God would hear his prayers and grant him his miracle. If he could find that faith.
That didn't take long...
9 days. That's how long after my 50th birthday before I got my first invitation to join AARP. Holy crap, they must think I'm old or something. I'm certainly not a retired person, and I doubt I ever will be. If I do join, it will be to get the goodies. But after they got suckered by Bush on prescription drugs, I'm not sure I want to give money to people so gullible. Not when there's prime swampland in Florida to invest in or a bridge what needs buying in New York City.
the Sound of Autumn
in the summer, the leaves on the trees are full of water (or whatever the technical term is); they are fresh, alive, soft, supple. when the wind blows, no matter how hard, the leaves do not rustle so much as they flutter. the sound of leaves in a spring or summer wind is like cloth on cloth.
with autumn, the leaves dry up (kind of ironic, what with all the rain). now the leaves make much more noise: they truly rustle. like thousands of pieces of paper flapping and scraping, a drier sound, even the ones still alive enough to remain on the tree.
and the best sound of all: falled leaves, dry and crisp, crunching and cracking underfoot, or making the skiffing noise when you kick your way through a pile. the colors of autumn are amazing, at times simply stunning. but i love the music of the leaves as well. there's a harshness in the dry leaves scraping together that serves as an appropriate warning of the coming winter.
listen to autumn and prepare.
The Big 5-oh: right here; right now
that's right. the Substitute Boy really isn't a boy, not in chrono years. he's a whopping 50 years and 24 minutes old (i can't remember what time i was born, so i'm just counting from midnight).
and i'll tell you, half-a-minute after midnight, the significance of being 50 kind slammed up against me like a Seahawks lineman who finally remembered what it means to block once in a while. holy crap.
and it's not that i hate being 50; i just can't be 50! how did that happen? ok, i get it: i didn't die yet. i was born 50 years ago today. but that's the obvious part, the part i don't care about. being 50 is more than age; it's being a certain someone, or something. it's feeling like something was accomplished. it's something, whatever it is, that i feel like i'm totally missing.
Maybe this time
I first saw "Cabaret" over 30 years ago; it's been my favorite movie ever since. I love Liza in it, and she was spectacular in "Liza with a Z", the tv special (directed by Bob Fosse) she made right after that. I have listened to both soundtracks several hundred times over the years.
So yay for dvd; now I can have and watch both at any time. I can jump to whatever song and just enjoy that. I love modern technology (when it lets me enjoy music and other fun stuff).
Mostly, I love watching her sing. She holds nothing back in those performances. She gives every bit of energy and, more importantly, every bit of emotion. It's raw and powerful, almost overwhelming. And more than any other song, I've loved listening to her sing "Maybe this time" —
Maybe this time, I'll get lucky
Maybe this time, he'll stay
Maybe this time, for the first time
Love won't hurry away.
He will hold me fast; I'll be home at last
Not a loser anymore,
Like the last time and the time before.
And always, I've longed for that to be true. It almost happened once, but we were so wrong for each other. A few more times it came close, but they both disappeared before the band could get through the opening bars.
Has it changed at last? Is this time my "maybe"? I'm tempted to say "Yes", tempted to say "Wait and see". I know the song means so much more to me right now; I think this time is that time. I think I did get lucky.
I think it's about damn time.
Idiot Samurai (graphic novel script)
this is the first draft, far from complete, of an attempt at a graphic novel. i know almost nothing about real samurai or being a warrior, so that'll need some research. but the novel is not about samurai. why samurai matter at all will be clear early on. anyway, this is an experiment and i'm enjoying it.
a prison cell: one of those classic views, from above, at an angle so we see him sitting on his cot, head in his hands, shadows of the bars striping the room. a black-and-white view of a man on death row, sitting up in the darkness of the night.
It was his shoes that did it. Hideous things, ugly just for the sake of being ugly. Bad enough they would be manufactured and sold; worse that anyone would purchase and wear them.
from behind, a close-up of his hand holding his head, fingers digging into his close-shorn scalp
Awakening
I would not call myself a Buddhist; I don't practice meditation regularly, I don't cultivate the path to end craving. But I do understand that of all the ways I know to cultivate an honest spiritual life, meditation — whether in Zen fashion or the silent waiting of Friends Meeting — is the best "way". The entirety of life, of course, is a spiritual practice, but to overcome what we see as our imperfections — what some see as our humanness, sinfulness and other negatives to be destroyed — we cannot just "live" our way to spiritual health. We need to take time to study, pray, think, meditate. Something, anything.
I'm reading Stephen Batchelor's "Buddhism Without Belief" again, and I finally see the words that explain the concept of "awakening:"
The Buddha awoke from the sleep of existential confusion.
i gotta say
i'm loving the boxer-briefs.
comfy, great for walking, nice stripes.
the model, however, does not accurately represent me in any way, apart from having 2 legs. my legs are actually pretty good. my butt doesn't sag. but the midsection; oy. i really need to do something about that. i might have the need to be seen in nothing but my comfy bb's one day, and i'd like to not be humiliated.
